In a surprise move, the BBC has employed an East End Cockney to read the local lunchtime news. Programme editors feel the lowlife accent and down to earth attitude might help boost flagging ratings.

 

Mr Clive Danton, 25, from West Ham was chosen after attending several auditions in London in which veiled threats were made and a large "sweetener"  was offered to BBC execs by various members of his family.

 

Here is a brief transcript of Mr Danton reading this afternoon's news broadcast:

 

"Hello me old china's, 'ow's it goin' then? Cushty!  Now then, in today's church pews, a geezer that had it away with the bees an honey from a Churchill got two years bird in the rusty after pleading guilty to the nursery".

 

After his first broadcast, Danton was upbeat about his future prospects;

 

"I say, those chaps at the beeb are absolute corkers! Bunty helped me with my diction, Laura went through the lines with me and to be perfectly honest with you darling, I can't wait to do the next one. Must dash, going to a cheese and wine at Covent Garden. Toodlepip".

 

BBC sources say the ratings rose by 30% when Danton was reading the news and they are now planning to feature Pearly Kings and Queens having a knee's up during the weather report.