Dear Spunky
I'm a 38 year old male who, due to a rather sedentary lifestyle down the years, has piled on the pounds somewhat and who now tips the scales at a rather portly 22 stone. This in itself would be bad enough but it's also severely affecting my sex life as my wife no longer finds me attractive. I'm now almost resigned to a loveless marriage and would like to take up regular masturbation as an alternative. However, due to my weight, even this is proving to be problematic. As a final resort I'm turning to you Spunky as I feel confident you'll be able to offer me some sound advice.
Marcus Lawton
Cumbria
Too Tubby for a Chubby
Dear Marcus
As a masturbation counsellor and Thai ladyboy of many years standing I'm often contacted by the more "full figured" gentleman who is experiencing difficulty in manipulating their manhood in a manner that will result in, what's known in the trade as, "The Laughing Stroke," or who may even be having a problem spotting their appendage amongst all the excess flesh..
My advice is this: Either go on a diet, or become a Roman Catholic priest. The first option will not only result in a whole new svelte you, but will also make the previously tricky process of monkey spanking an absolute breeze. The second option, however, will result in the complete loss of your libido as you adopt the celibate lifestyle, and along with it, the desire to keep blowing your custard every 5 minutes. Unless of course you take a shine to an apple-cheeked choirboy in which case you'll just have to ask an obliging nun to give you hand relief in the confessional box or the graveyard.
Ever Your Friend And Guide
Spunky x
