The world of television was in shock last night after a spokesman for ITV revealed that the entire cast of iconic TV soap, Coronation Street, have been arrested following a complaint of sexual misconduct made by a 13 year old girl.

 

At a hastily called press conference he said "I can confirm thaat the entire cast of Coronation Street have been arrested on suspicion of sexual abuse of a minor. They have now been released on police bail pending further investigation into these charges. The entire cast are strenuously denying these allegations on the grounds that they were all round Ken Barlow's place playing Badminton and watching a film."

 

He went on "Of course we will have to suspend everybody until this matter is cleared up one way or another, so the next few episodes will consist of shots of The Rovers Return with nobody in it. The premise will be that there has been a nuclear strike on Weatherfield by North Korea and that there were no survivors. It will be a bit like the episode, some years back, when that train plunged from a bridge and killed one or two characters whose private lives were becoming an embarrassment, only this time everybody gets wiped out in one fell swoop. In the event they're found not guilty we'll bring them back and pretend it was all a dream, a bit like when Bobby Ewing got bumped off in Dallas."

 

The child, who must remain anonymous for legal reasons, issued a statement claiming that the incident took place during a visit to the set a few weeks ago, a birthday treat from her parents. "At first it was wonderful to meet so many of the stars of the show. Everybody was so kind and welcoming.  Then, during a break in shooting, I noticed the entire cast looking at me strangely. I'm only 13 but it was obvious, even to me, that they were visibly aroused. Before I knew it the entire cast had climbed on top of me and had begun to fondle my body while trying to stick their tongues down my throat. It was absolutely awful."

 

The allegations, if proven, will be the biggest scandal to hit the show since the 60s, when Len Fairclough was convicted of groping young girls in the swimming baths and Albert Tatlock revealed that he was shagging Minnie Caldwell in real life.