One Day In The Life Of Inoffensive Ivan



​6.00am.    I wake as quietly as possible to avoid disturbing the neighbours and carefully put on my slippers, which I have soundproofed so that my footfalls wont upset anyone.



​6.15am.       I take out my cornflakes from the box one at a time and delicately place them in my foam rubber cereal bowl, praying all the while that I wont wake the cat.



​6.20am.      Having gently tipped my breakfast down the toilet, to avoid any irritating crunching that might result from eating it, I crawl on my belly into the hall and slip on my foam rubber work shoes.



​6.30am.        I decide not to leave the house, in case the closing of the front door annoys the chap across the road. Instead I settle down quietly in my fuzzy felt armchair and open my newspaper, using specially designed rubber tongs to keep the rustling down to the bare minimum.



​9.30am.        Woke up carefully in armchair. I hope I didn't dream too loudly.



​10.30am.     Answer front door using hand on a spring to avoid noisy footsteps in the hall. It's a nice young lady with my Tescos Online order. Have asked her to bring it in and put the bags down somewhere out of the way to avoid invading the cat's space.



​11.30am.      Made my elevenses. Crispbreads soaked in water for 2 days and a nice soft marshmallow. Have just gently placed it all into the toilet bowl water.



​12.00 noon.  Muffled noise from the cellar.  Have sealed up cellar door with glue, just for time being.



​1.00pm.       Was going to give cardigan and trousers a spin in the washing machine, as they appear to have got quite grubby, but was afraid of disturbing any mice that may have been trying to take a nap behind the skirting, so I've put them in the chimnea out in the yard and burnt them. I hope the smoke hasn't made any of the neighbours chesty. Noise still coming from cellar. Seems to be lessening now. That's good.



​2.30pm.       Woke quietly from a refreshing afternoon nap. I seem to tire so easily these days, especially after exerting myself. Thinking of going to the library on the bus, but am a bit worried about holding someone up in the bus queue or turning the pages of a book too noisily once I get there. Think I'll stay at home and cook something for tonight's dinner. Noises from cellar seem to have stopped now.



​3.00pm.       Fresh meat bubbling away quietly on the stove, so I think I'll watch the television with the sound off for an hour or so while dinner cooks. I hope the light from the screen doesn't annoy the cat.



​3.30pm.       Nothing much of interest on at the moment, just some news about The Queen and a few ladies going missing. I think I'll pop out into the garden and give the grass a trim with a pair of scissors.



​5.00pm.       Nice lady was here earlier. She wanted to talk to me about Jesus. She made quite a racket when she stirred the tea I made for her. She's gone now. More noise from the cellar. I must deal with that. I dont want the neighbours upsetting themselves.



​6.00pm.      Finished a nice meat dinner and gave offal to cat. Went down into cellar to have a little tidy round. Noise has stopped now.



​8.00pm      Policemen called earlier and asked me to come with them. They've put me in a small room and closed the door. I've laid down quietly on the floor so that I don't crease the woollen blanket on the little bench.



​10.00pm.    Policeman tells me they have been digging in my garden. I do hope they didn't make too much noise.



THE END

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Or is it?