Apple have unveiled their latest iPhone, claiming that it's the most advanced iPhone yet to hit the market. And if Apple are to be believed, it is the most advanced iPhone yet to hit the market.

 

“We have redesigned the entire phone from the ground up,” said Anne Droyed, head of Apple’s innovations department. “Every aspect has been changed, from the screen to the case.”

 

The new iPhone can be rolled up, folded and comes with inbuilt apps that the conscious connoisseur will find irresistible.

 

“The new phone is made of a brand new material in the phone market,” said Droyed. “Paper.”

 

Although the popular touch screen has had to fall by the wayside, the phone does come with handwriting recognition when using the accompanying stylus (sold separately). Text messaging is now simpler, if not as immediate as the old system. One simply writes the message using the accompanying stylus (sold separately) and then puts it inside a message carrying case (also sold separately). The whole thing is then put into one of several million ‘post boxes’ that adorn most countries. This is then delivered.

 

“It may seem slow,” said Droyed, “but let's face it, how fast do your parents respond to your 20thcentury style text messages anyway? This is definitely the path for the 21st century!”

 

Apps that come with the phone as standard are Drawing, Writing, Reading and Paper Aeroplane. For those that find Paper Aeroplane too difficult, Paper Ball is an available substitute. Both allow messages created using Writing and Drawing on the latest iPhone to be shared with people up to fifteen feet away, without risk to the phone itself.

 

“Admittedly,” said Droyed, “the phone struggles to make telephone calls, but that didn’t stop the iPhone 4 from selling, did it?”

 

Critics of the new device from Apple have queued up to pour criticism onto Apple’s flagship device.

 

“It’s basically a drawing,” said Erik Sonyson, head of Samsung. “They’ve drawn icons on a piece of paper, and put the Apple logo on the other side. If people buy this, they’re morons.”

 

Sam Sung, head of Sony Erickson, has suggested the phone is a step backwards. “They’ve basically drawn up what they want on the new phone, and sold the drawing. They should call it the iPaper as it is a disgrace to the word ‘phone’. The only advantage this has over previous iPhones is that it no longer has Siri on it.”

 

The much anticipated fingerprint recognition is present on the new iPhone, but only when used with the Apple Finger Print Pad (sold separately). Also included is the longest battery life of any phone on the market.

 

“We ship the iPhones fully charged,” said Droyed. “We anticipate that the phone will never need charging again.”

 

Apple were hoping to have the new phone available in the shops today but the launch date has been delayed for a few weeks following an arson attack on their storage warehouse in Southampton which has resulted in the entire stock being burned to ash.