The Indian government yesterday announced plans to enter the space race by sending a manned rocket to the big face of British pop star Olly Murs in January of next year. The mission is designed to land on the surface of Murs's face, probably somewhere around the nose area, where the two astronauts hope to collect samples for analysis. These will then be examined by scientists with a view to discovering the chemical make up of his enormous dial.

 

Speaking from The Sashin Tendulkar Space Centre last night, a spokesman told reporters "At the moment India is a country mainly known for it's takeaway curry houses in Brick Lane, for being half way decent at cricket, having lots of beggars and for raping women on buses. While that's all well and good we now feel it's time to show the rest of the world how far our technology has moved on, and what better way to do that than to land a rocket on Olly Murs's gigantic clock"

 

"We plan on reaching the surface of his face 30 days after launch If everything goes according to plan. Our two astronauts will then leave the landing module and collect samples from his gigantic fizzog. These will include moisturiser residue, a few hairs from up his nose, and hopefully, scrapings of dried kebab juice from the previously unexplored chin area. It's an ambitious undertaking and we're fully aware of the many hazards that our boys will face, not least of which is the chance that he might start singing at some point, but we're very confident that we can pull this off and that the two men will be back on terra firma around June or July at the very latest"

 

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he was round Robbie Williams's house, but we did manage to speak to his mother Margaret, 98, who told us "Olly's absolutely delighted that two spacemen will be exploring his bloody great  face in the new year. Singing on the telly is one thing but being part of an exciting project like this is an absolute dream come true for the moon-faced git"

 

If successful, this will be the most significant breakthrough in minor celebrity exploration since 1978, when two Russian Cosmonauts brought back traces of hair removal cream from the cleft in Vanessa Feltz's absolutely gigantic arse.