In a shock announcement, Chelsea manager José Mourinho has revealed plans to have a full sex change operation in September and says that he would now like to be known by his female name of Chelsea.
Speaking at the Man U v Chelsea pre-match press conference, the newly returned fans' favourite stated: "I've never really felt comfortable as a man and knew right from early childhood that I was 'a special one': a girl trapped in a boy's body. While all the other kids in the neighbourhood were out kicking a ball around or playing war I'd stay in my bedroom pondering possible changes to the colour scheme in the bathroom or wondering how easy it would be to cut my winkie off with a pair of mum's dressmaking scissors."
Mourinho then went on to explain how the recent Bradley Manning court case in the United States had finally made up his mind. "When I read that Bradley was gender-confused and wished to undergo a sex change op and to be known as Chelsea, I realised that this was the way forward for me too. After all what more appropriate or natural step could I take than to have my genitalia surgically removed and take the name of my beloved club. To be honest, I'm just grateful I'm not manager of Arsenal. After all who would want to be called Arse for short by the wife or Arsey Lil by rival supporters? How Wenger copes, I'll never know."
From Portu-geezer to Portu-gal.
Chelsea Boss In Sex Change Shocker
Clive Danton - September 2013
Ms Mourinho bridled at the suggestion that the announcement was little more than a cunning, mind-games ploy prior to the crunch match with Manchester United, saying that she is taking a maternalistic top-to-bottom approach to her second spell at Chelsea; but added that the move may just 'tip the balance' in Chelsea's bid for Rooney, as: " Wayne has a penchant for the more mature, attractive woman."
Chelsea midfield veteran Frank Lampard said on the club's web site: "All the lads in the dressing room are 100% behind the gaffer and look forward to him taking training dressed in a cocktail dress and court shoes."
However club captain John Terry did voice some misgivings when he told reporters outside his mansion: "You're fucking joking! I don't fucking believe this! Are you telling me the boss is a chutney ferret that wears bird's knickers? Fuck that, I'm putting in for a transfer. I'm not having any benders looking at my bare arse when I'm pulling my shorts on before a game. I'd hang the fucking lot of 'em if I had my way lads."
Club owner Roman Abramovic was unavailable for comment, but is understood to be taking advice from long-time friend and fellow Russian, Vladimir Putin.
The above article is a spoof and is not an attack on the transgender community in any way shape or form, just the opposite in fact, if you're savvy enough to understand the nuances of the piece. Neither Mr Oliver nor Mr Me are racist, homophobic, anti semitic, anti American or anti bacterial shampoo. Ok? No racists, bigots or homophobes were harmed during the writing of this disclaimer...sadly!
Chelsea: Just a cunning stunt, José?
Image by Pinxit
