In a damning report, compiled by a United Nations weapons inspection team deployed in Syria, it is claimed that elderly women were used in a cynical attack on a civilian district in the capital Damascus, last Wednesday in a flagrant breach of The Geneva Convention.

 

The report states that a number of the bodies strewn around a popular street market, including children as young as 3, showed telltale signs of having been struck by shopping trollies while some of the young men had been clearly made to wear vests tucked into their pants, a well known tactic of elderly women that warms the kidneys of the victim before they die of shame after having been run over.

 

Dr Hans Derek, 57, the team's leader, looked ashen-faced as he spoke to reporters last night "The evidence we uncovered is irrefutable" he said "Apart from the shopping trolley injuries and the humiliating trauma suffered by those young men we also found empty tins of cheap cat food at the scene and a pair of spectacles that one of the attackers had absent-mindedly left behind in the chemists. At this point we can't determine whether they were her see-ers or her readers but tests are under way and we hope to have definitive proof in a few days. What we can say is that this is undoubtedly the work of old ladies. We even found the remains of a meal, consisting of a nice bit of brisket with roast potatoes and sprouts which one of the assailants must have left behind as they fled the scene."

 

At an emergency meeting of the UN last night convened to discuss the latest chilling developments, the Russian delegate said "It's far too early to say whether elderly women were deployed in this incident. Personally I have grave doubts, as from what I can gather none of the bodies were made to wrap up warm prior to their deaths. I suggest we wait for a full report before coming to any conclusions. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and arrange for a delivery of free oil"