In the year 1610, Bethnal Green, now situated in the East End of London, was a thriving kingdom ruled by King Clivemuss Dantonuss and his wife, Queen Gill. Day to day living for the ordinary people was quite good for that era. King Clivemuss was a very inventive man, many of his inventions kept plague and disease at bay, allowing a longer and more fruitful existence. It also kept the mice out of the castle.

King D’s very first, and some say, best invention, was the portable toilet. (I know). In the early days of his reign, the populace would either throw their shit out of the window, or, more normally, have a pony in the middle of the street, leaving it for the passer-by to either admire, or on occasion, tread in. In the winter, the smell was tolerable, but come summertime, even the rats headed out of town.Not only that, Queen Gill was having a bit of trouble with her spotted dick. 

So off went King D to the Hangman’s Noose for a pint and a quart of winkles.  After several ales, he hit on the idea that if one owned a shovel, one could dig a hole, have a tom tit and then simply back fill, thus hiding the dump and covering the smell. Very good.  King D sent out his knights to find a man that could make a shovel on the cheap. Several days later, a man named Loo, from Porta arrived at the castle. 

“What do you have for me?” King D demanded.
“Two daughters a couple of chickens and an effeminate stoat” Loo replied.
“No…I mean the shovel”.
“Oh…Yes, I have attached a branch to a bit of flat metal…Look”.
“Fucking genius…Gill!…Get a butchers at this!”
“I’ve seen it thank you” Came the reply.

So, the next day, King D ordered the Hind’s, his marketing team, to go out and show the masses the new, “Porta-Loo King D toilet”. It was an instant success. From now on, no more shit filled streets. Except in Leyton, where they were banned.

Next week. How King D invented football