Dear Spunky,
As with many 37 year old bus drivers I can only achieve climax when my body is bathed in bright lights. I've spent many frustrating evenings standing outside the local lighthouse but find that it is out of sync with my natural rhythm. I have also tried standing in front of the fridge door but found that the sight of a cold roast chicken put me off. I really am at my wits end. Please help before I resort to standing under the nearest street light. Yours aye,yours.
Doreen Bowes-Lyons.
Cripplegate
East London
Come To Light
Dear Ms Bowes-Lyons
As a Thai ladyboy and masturbation guru with over 25 years experience of dealing with people's self abuse concerns I am often presented with dilemmas identical to the type you describe. My advice to you is to seek out a Welsh miner, either through a specialist dating agency or by actually going to Wales and waiting for one to emerge from a shift at the coal face. Then all that remains is to ask him if he'd mind sitting opposite you with the light on his helmet shining into your eyes while you bring yourself to a climax. The added bonus to this method is that after achieving satisfaction you can ask him to move his head around in a circular fashion while you play hypnotic dance music in the background and hey presto, you have your very own illegal rave in the comfort of your own home.
Your Good Friend And Fanny Batter Inducing Advisor
Spunky Woods (Ms)
Phuket
Thailand
Hants.
