Yeah, I’m the Capo di tutti Capi, The boss of bosses. Although you would not think so.  With my old woman, last week I ordered a hit on a fella down the road, when it had not been done, I calls in me capo and asks him why. 

 

“Youra wife, she no wanna him mort”

 

So I rings up the misses;

 

“Why did you stop the hit on that rat down the road”?

 

“Cos his misses is the Avon lady” replies Maude.

 

“For god’s sake Maude!” I shouted, “you’ve made me look a right mug”.

 

“No change there then” comes the retort.

 

Her mother is the same, always sticking her bugle in. I was doing a deal with a mob boss from over the water, Big Clive Dantoni, nice fella but you would not want to cross him.  Anyway, there I am  showing him the clothing we knocked off out of a lorry and has 

 

taken a liking to them because he thinks they are top quality Harrods gear. The old bat  walks past, has a gander at the schmutter and says;

 

“Thata da Mark ana Spencer cloths youa steal froma da high street, bada boys you no buy Mr Dantoni non va bene”.

 

Big Dantoni gives me the look and off he goes to arrange my funeral.

 

“Mamma Mia!” I shout at the wrinkly crone; “Keep your snout out of my business”

 

“Non capisco” she replies.

 

Lying old bag, cost me a fortune she did. Honestly, if she weren’t Maude’s Mum I would have her whacked, and there is plenty 

of  Soldato who would gladly carry it out. What you gonna do?

 

Tommy (not little Tommy) Brucetti comes to me and says Tony (no nose) Mancini is sleeping with the fishes. So I have done me nut, I never ordered a hit on him.

 

“No” explains Tommy, “He sleepa wid the fish ina you shop”.

 

“What,  you mean to tell me the lazy sod has fallen asleep in my fish and chip shop?”

 

“Yes boss, he nota open fora da business maybe drinka da vino”. says Tommy.

 

So off we go to the Old Kent road, I enter the shop and there is no sign of Tony.  Round the back, I open the fridge where we keep the fish, and sure enough, there is No Nose, wrapped up in newspaper fast asleep on a box of filleted cod. What a mong. I didn’t sack him, or have him knocked off, he will now be wiping my arse for a month.

 

Think I will have a nice curry tonight.