Septuagenarian ex-prime minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi has admitted to a packed press conference that he is, and always has been, a virgin.

 

He told the waiting media that the infamous bunga-bunga parties that were held allowed his friends to all have copious amounts of wild, unbridled sex. Unless they preferred to use a bridle, as he wouldn’t judge them. Meanwhile, amid all the sex he would watch, but not partake.

 

“Women, they a don’t find me attractive,” he said. “They call me an ugly little man. It’s a why I became prime-minister of the whole of a Italy. I thought they would find the power sexy, and they did, but not me.”

 

Berlusconi, who was elected three times off the back off his winning smile, now admits that he thought he oozed sex appeal, but apparently just oozed.

 

“Milano Oggi [Milan Today] said I was a the most unfashionable man in Italy,” said Berlusconi. “They said I had all the style of shop window mannequin; I needed somebody to dress me, and I still looked wooden.” 

 

The Milano Oggi article had gone further, listing the top ten most unfashionable Italians.

 

“I was in the list nine times!” said Silvio. “It would have been ten, but David Cameron visited for a week.”

 

Critics have pointed out that if Berlusconi is a virgin, how does he explain his five children.

 

“It is a simple,” he said. “My wives, they would sleep around. I’m not completely sure, but I believe Sean Connery is Marina’s father. She has his eyes and speaks fluent Glaswegian.”

 

Berlusconi has been married twice, firstly to Carla Dell’Oglio; and latterly to Veronica Lario. Veronica at first refused to admit that her marriage to the former PM of Italy had never been consummated, but when presented with an itemised credit card bill showing several expensive purchases from Anne Summers, she admitted it.

 

“I saw Silvio naked just once,” she said. “He was even more ugly with no clothes on than in his horrible clothes. I had to ask if he even had a penis, as I could not see it. More peanut than penis.”

 

Berlusconi has offered to undergo any medical test that anyone can think of to prove he is still a virgin.

 

“And all this a means,” said Berlusconi, “that I could have a not sleeping with that Ruby girl! I am a innocent!”