Dear Spunky
I wonder if you could help me with a rather singular problem that's been playing on my mind a fair bit lately.
The thing is, I own a small children's zoo in a built up area of London where the local youngsters can come to observe small animals in a fairly natural environment. We have rabbits, guinea pigs, voles, ducks, geese and various other water fowl for the children to enjoy.
The only thing that concerns me is the lack of sexual activity available to the creatures themselves. Some of the males have paired off with females for sure, but that still leaves quite a large number of young males with no romantic attachment whatsoever.
So basically I was wondering if there was some way I could help these "singletons" to enjoy a semblance of sexual pleasure and subsequent release even in the absence of a partner.
Your help would be most welcome on this one Spunky as it's been a real worry to me just lately.
Yours Faithfully
Bob Carter
London E2
The Casebook Of Spunky Woods.
Masturbation Guru To The Stars
Dear Bob
As a Thai ladyboy and masturbation guru of over 25 years standing, your's is a problem I've encountered on countless occasions and my answer is always the same on this one.
Firstly you need to buy a copy of The Observer's Book Of British Wildlife from any good bookstore. Following this, simply snip out pictures of the females of each individual species. For instance, if you were catering for a hedgehog, cut out as many photos of females as you can and bind them together with a small length of twine to make a rudimentary magazine. Then simply leave this ad hoc, softcore grumble mag in it's nest or burrow before it retires for the night. I guarantee that before you know it, the little chap will be happily blasting ribbons of hot spadge all over the show before you can say "hairy palms"
All the very best
Spunky x
Staff at a local childrens zoo are baffled by the marked increase in toilet paper usage