NEWS SHITE
September & October 2013
Men Who Moisturise To Be Executed Under New Government Proposal
Clive Danton - October 2013
A spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats told reporters last night that they plan to introduce capital punishment, in the form of hanging, for any man who is found in possession of male grooming products, in particular, facial cleansing, toning and moisturising products.
Mr Claude Dee, MP for Bethnal Green, said. "It's.....
Match Fixing Furore As Team Field Dead Player
Clive Danton - October 2013
Rumours of match fixing in soccer in The Far East rumbled on last night as it was revealed that a Malaysian 1st division side had fielded an 11 that included a dead goalkeeper. This was coupled, with what bookmakers called, unusual betting patterns, after a number of bets were laid on correctly forecasting the eventual score of 35-0 to the team's opponents.
Match officials claim they first became suspicious when they noticed that the player concerned appeared to be fixed to a small wheeled platform.....
Elderly Passenger Serves In-Flight Meals After Stewardess Collapses At The Trolley
Clive Danton - October 2013
An astonishing tale of heroism and endurance emerged last night after it was revealed that a 77 year old man served over a hundred passengers with in-flight meals, including drinks and hot towels, after a stewardess was taking ill as she began serving passengers on board a Boeing 747 on route to Sharm El Sheik in Egypt on Monday night.
Alfie Kelly from Leighton Buzzard told reporters "It was around 9.00pm I suppose, and the wife and I were sitting towards the back of the plane waiting for our hot.....
Budget Airline To Charge Passengers Extra To Fly Inside The Aircraft
Clive Danton - October 2013
A no-frills, budget airline have announced plans to charge passengers a premium if they wish to fly to their destination inside the fuselage of the aircraft. Bryanair, a small independent outlet based in Ireland, plan to bring in their new measures shortly before June 2014, when they hope to have their customers pretty much over a barrel.
Chief Executive, Ryan Brigand, 21, spoke to reporters
News Shite - October & September 2013
Facebook Philosopher Couple Admit They're Actually As Thick As Two Short Planks
Clive Danton - October 2013
A husband and wife, famous for posting large boxes containing sage and thought provoking homilies on their Facebook timelines, have admitted to reporters that in actual fact they're extremely stupid, bordering on being mentally deficient, and that none of the homespun philosophy they post reflects their own take on life in general.
Vera and Steven Mills, both 32, decided to come clean after they were bombarded with questions on Cartesian philosophy and the meaning of life by hundreds of their Facebook friends, who.....
"Prince Charles Tried To Make Queens Throne Really Uncomfortable" Claims Palace Insider
Clive Danton - October 2013
A trusted aide to heir to the throne Prince Charles, has made the astonishing claim that the prince has used a number of ploys down the years to make the throne at Buckingham Palace as uncomfortable as possible, in a bid to hasten the abdication and to therefore claim the throne for himself.
In a series of telephone calls to our office, in which.....
How The Modern Portaloo Was Born
Gary Hoadley - October 2013
In the year 1610, Bethnal Green, now situated in the East End of London, was a thriving kingdom ruled by King Clivemuss Dantonuss and his wife, Queen Gill. Day to day living for the ordinary people was quite good for that era. King Clivemuss was a very inventive man, many of his inventions kept plague and disease at bay, allowing a longer and more fruitful existence. It also kept the mice out of the castle.
King D’s very first, and some say, best.....
Religious? There's An App For That
Debbie Taylor - October 2013
The hottest new app available from R-App-Ture has hit the iStore this week: iBelieve is the first cross-faith app on the market, with facilities for all the major religions.
“This is a first for religious apps,” said Max Buck, editor of App World! magazine. “There are a billion apps out there for each religion, this is the first to provide all the facilities in one.....
Government Urges Elderly To Practice Tantric Sex To Beat The Winter Chill
Clive Danton - October 2013
With fuel prices seemingly spiralling out of control, accompanied by a growing number of elderly people struggling to meet the cost of heating their homes, the Home Office have issued guidelines on how Britain’s growing population of pensioners can cheaply and effectively guard against the ravages of hypothermia this coming winter.
Among the suggestions put forward which include more effective home insulation and wearing warmer clothing.....
"Donner Und Titzen! Obama Spied On Me In The Ladies Room" Claims Angela Merkel
Clive Danton - October 2013
German chancellor Angela Merkel last night made the astonishing claim that US president Barack Obama spied on her as she visited the ladies lavatory at The White House during a recent visit. She also accused him of ogling her during the state banquet and of using “inappropriate language” during discussions on arms proliferation in The Middle East.
Speaking to reporters at a press conference Merkel said.....
The Lost King of Bethnal Green - Part The Second
Gary Hoadley - October 2013
King D had the new game formulated in his mind. He needed to explain the rules and the outline to some intelligent people in the hope it would take off.
“Gill, who are the brainiest people in the kingdom?” Asked King D.
“Lord Precious, Lord Hoadley, Lord Moore and Lady.....
Changing Name & Gender
Debbie Taylor - October 2013
In this, her second videographical tour de force, our Debs explains the intricacies and frustration involved in getting a bank to realise that "he" can also be a "she" and to pull their fiscal finger out accordingly.....
